Martha's List

So apparently Martha Stewart has decided on the list of 30 things that everyone must know.

I read this list and thought: this is a list of 30 things that every '50s housewife should know. And priviledged ones at that. Does everyone in the world need to know how to pop a champagne bottle? Eat a lobster? Arrange flowers? I'm sure there are people out there with better things to do with their time than learn these specialized skills, and can risk muddling through the opening of a champagne bottle if the situation arises.

In typical fashion, I decided the list was a load of hooey and came up with my own for my own amusement. A couple of the things on it are a nod to Martha, but mostly they're things that most north american humans should know, whether male or female. Here they are in no particular order:

1. Build a fire.
2. Grow something from seed.
3. Change a diaper.
4. Write a proper letter.
5. Basic first aid.
6. Make a perfect grilled cheese (Damn grilled cheese is good.)
7. Operate power tools.
8. Do laundry with shrinking or dyeing anything.
9. Clean a toilet.
10. Remove red wine stains.
11. Make soup stock.
12. Build something.
13. Budget money.
14. Record a tv program with a VCR.
15. Basic computer functions.
16. Tie some good basic knots.
17. Drive a standard.
18. Hem pants or a skirt.
19. Bake some kind of bread.
20. Mix an old-time cocktail (maybe this fits in the opening-a-champagne-bottle category but I don't care. I enjoy an Old-Fashioned myself.)
21. Iron a shirt.
22. Make banana bread.
23. Make tomato sauce.
24. Patch drywall.
25. Change the oil, fuses and sparkplugs of a car.
26. Remove porcupine quills from a dog's face.
27. Basic hair cuts (sideburns, bangs).
28. Speak a second language.
29. Make a good pot of coffee.
30. Clean the trap of a sink.

Now I'm not purporting to be able to do all of these things myself; in fact, that's the next part of my post - I scored pretty well on this list but I live in the country, where skills like building fires and removing porcupine quills come in handy. I only scored 25 out of 30 (for all of those interested in my deficiencies, I cannot do 5, 13, 14, 16 or 25 with any confidence) so even I am not perfect.

How do you score? Do you have any more skills to add to the list? If we get up to 100 I'll send them to Martha, I swear.

The Big O

I have a question: Why does Oprah Winfrey insist on putting herself on the cover of every one of her magazines?

Diary of a Never-ending Cold

I have had a cold since December 22. That's 18 days. In fact, I think I'm on my second cold, having caught an intensified version from dear hubby. My oh my. This morning I tried to feed the cats salsa for breakfast. Why did I ever come to work? Hopefully I won't have to back-pedal and apologize for things I did today unbeknownst to me.

Nothing much is new. I feel like I write this blog for one person (hi Amy!) and have lost steam (no offense Amy!). I'm going to have to do something, like work my way through a cookbook or something. Maybe start writing about American politics. Or keep a diary of my fertility exploits. What's the purpose in me having a blog? Hmmm.

Question of the day: What's the average blog FOR anyway?

Spreading Love to All

Happy New Year everyone.

Happy New Year to all the blogspammers. May 2006 bring you the best of luck selling your penis enlargements and no-fail stock tips. I wish you much success!! And for all of those lonely people surfing Blogger and leaving comments everywhere, happy new year to you too. May 2006 bring you a whole new social circle on which you may drop random comments and 'check-me-outs'. I wish you all the best. To ALL of my new friends from Blogger, those who know my name and those who don't really care, have a great 2006.

So my three-week vacation has left me a little more relaxed but no less black in the soul. Maybe it's coming on with old age. Someone told me that when you turn 30 you become less afraid of what people will think, less likely to worry when you barge in line or interrupt someone, more ballsy and a bit more rude. I think it's true. I think turning 30 has given me free license to be a nasty cynic and speak my mind. Perhaps it's the three weeks of isolation in the bush that I just endured (my car is un-driveable at the moment so I was housebound) but the holiday didn't make me any more charitable towards my coworkers or cheerful about getting up at 6:30 every morning. Ah here it is 3 p.m. According to my holiday schedule, it's about time to get up off the couch and make myself a drinky-poo.

I'm kidding of course. A bit. OK not kidding at all. Everyone at the office is all 'Happy new Year!'every time I turn around. It's enough to make a girl want to turn tail, go back to the bushes and stir herself a little Manhattan to make the cheerful chattering stop. sheesh.